Missing Husband

Dear B,

You've only been gone for 10 days, but it feels like its already been 3 months. The first thing I noticed that day you left was how lonely my tooth brush looked in the holder. Then I noticed your deodorant, razor, and shaving cream were gone too...Every remnant of you and your daily life in our home was gone. Slowly I am getting through all our laundry. Every time I fold one of your shirts or uniform pieces I do it a little slower than normal. I won't be folding it again for 9 months. Tonight one of your black socks was in the load I folded. I don't know where its partner is, but I am sure I'll discover it here in the next week or so. I need to change our sheets but I don't want to take off the ones you last slept in with me. It's different here without you. Your computer isn't on the kitchen table anymore. D isn't constantly trying to pull at its power cord. Those things that constantly got on my nerves are gone...like the ever present pile of yesterday's clothes by the side of the bed. They are gone. I've left your combat boots outside the closet and even though they've been in my way several times, I've left them.

I don't mind walking the dog every morning and late at night when you used to do it. I don't mind taking out the trash. I don't mind doing all the dishes. But I miss seeing you and all your stuff...your wallet, your keys, your GNC shaker cup, and your phone. I miss the constant shuffling of our cars in the driveway and hearing the "toot" of the vue when you lock the doors as you walk up to the door. I miss asking you to rub my shoulders. Just this evening as I was folding the laundry on the floor...my back ached. I surely would have asked you to rub it just then...but there was no body to ask. I miss sharing our tiny bathroom with you at night as we brush our teeth and bump into each other. The 3X3 space seems too roomy without you there.

Talking to you on the computer is great! I am so glad we have privilege of chatting daily and seeing each other on skype. I love when you get to see the kids. Both C and D light up when they see you. C is starting to understand how long you'll be gone. She loves her calendar and joyfully puts a sticker on every day as it passes. She is holding onto her daddydoll constantly...she didn't even sleep with her blankie tonight. It's been replaced with your replica.

Please know that I'm praying for you and thinking about you constantly. It's comforting to know that we have so many friends who are going through the same thing. I worry about the guys in the middle east. I am so thankful you're not there. But I do pray for your safety as well...when you go to work, when you're driving, when you're walking the streets. I love you more than you know. I already miss your kisses and squeezy hugs. I don't know how I am going to make it until July without you. Day by day, I guess. Think of me as you sleep tonight. I am going to check on the kids and then turn in for the night. I love you. I miss you.

Love,

me

Veteran's Day at church

I wanted to write about this on Sunday, but I got a little occupied with my "girl's night out" and my dad being so sick in the hospital. But, it hasn't left my mind...

Sunday was my first time at church since B left last week. I was actually dreading going by myself because for some reason I have a hard time sitting there alone. I frequently get very emotional when I am there alone worshipping God through song. Singing His praises through my own troubled mind and heavy heart is very difficult. Its like, I know He is still good and is still there and has not changed, but its hard when I am so sad and lonely. Praising God through a hurting heart isn't easy for me. Anyway, I wanted to go to church though because I love the fellowship and message..and because its just what we do...we go to church every Sunday.

So, when I walked in the door and dropped the kids off in the preschool department and walked to the sanctuary by myself, my heart kind of sunk when I picked up the bulletin - the service was to be a celebration for Veteran's Day. That meant we were going to be singing patrotic songs and talking about our wonderful nation. Yes, this is a GREAT thing to be doing...but to be doing it just days after my husband deployed on behalf of this country just didn't sound all that appealing to me.

As I sat down, I prayed for strength to make it through the service without crying so much that I'd have to leave to freshen up. Well, low and behold, God gave me just the strength I needed. It was actually such a beautiful and touching service that I was almost too "in awe" to cry too much. The pastor asked all the veterans to come up to the alter and pray for those men and women currently serving around the world while a video played honoring those currently deployed. I don't know exactly what I was expecting..maybe that not many of the vets would feel comfortable enough to go up to the alter and publicly pray - I'm not real sure, but I was completely speechless when probably 100 men and a few women immediately stood up and made their way to the front of my huge church. There were elderly men in grey suits, younger guys with beards, and some in jeans that made their way to the alter. Most knelt down to pray with hands laid on one another, but two men stood and simply bowed - clearly to old to kneel and simply get back up. They filled the entire alter and flooded into the aisles. As these men and women prayed, a video slideshow played showing pictures of the men and women currently serving. The song playing was called, "Somebody's Praying for Me" and as I took it all in, I tried to capture the beauty of these older men praying for our guys. Other women sitting around me in the "preschool parents" section cried as they sat alone as well. Undoubtedly, these were women just like me. These were the wives of the men these veterans were praying for. God gave me the strength to make it through those few minutes with only a few tears shed. I honesty don't remember the message the pastor spoke that day...but I know that I will never forget how the older men bowed at the alter in prayer for my husband and the rest of our soldiers. What a great day to be in the house of the Lord!

The Ups and Downs

It has been a whirl wind over the last few days here at our home and in my family. Friday my sweet C woke up in the middle of the night with a fever and then began complaining of an ear ache. After staying home from school and voluntarily taking a 2 hour nap, I got her in to see the doctor. She had an ear infection and possible strep throat. She was given antibiotics and Tylenol and seemed to be feeling much better the next day!

Saturday was a leisurely day with the kids and Sunday we went to church. My dad was home in Atlanta sick with a terrible headache and fever over the whole weekend. He began to vomit and just attributed it to the headache and then when his neck got stiff, he just figured he had some sort of pinched nerve or something. I told him I thought he may have the flu and that he should go to the hospital or an urgent care clinic if it got any worse.

Sunday afternoon, my sister in law drove 3 1/2 hours to our house to babysit my kids all evening while I went out on a true "girls night out." I was given the opportunity to go see Dane Cook, the comedian, up in Raleigh with a girlfriend and her friends. I was so excited to get out of "mom mode" for about 8 hours and just feel like a grown up woman. I got to put on makeup and wear a nice shirt and just have fun! It was great!!

Here is a picture C and I took of ourselves before I left for Dane Cook.

And I always think its a little dumb to take self portraits, but I felt like I looked nice so I wanted to remember it...plus my hubby wasn't there to see me so I thought I should take a picture :-)

After driving up to Raleigh and eating a wonderful dinner with the girls, we headed over to the coliseum for the show. When we arrived, I got a text from my mom that said my dad was being admitted to the hospital and was being tested for viral meningitis. I couldn't hear a thing when I tried to call her to find out more, so my sister ended up texting me with updates all evening. I was so worried, but at the same time, I knew there was nothing I could do being so far away. I enjoyed my time at the show and laughed so hard my face hurt :-)

Later I learned that my dad had to have to have a spinal tap and CT scan. It looked as though he was really sick. The doctors ran a lot of tests and by Monday morning it was determined that he had bacterial meningitis that was caused by an ongoing and untreated sinus infection (that he never felt!). Turns out the sinus infection actually "spread" through his skull and got into his brain fluids...thus causing the meningitis. He is currently on a lot of antibiotics and very heavy pain medication. They later learned that the weakened part of his skull that let the infected sinus fluid into his brain was around his eye socket. I assume that will need to be repaired at some point so this doesn't happen repeatedly. Pleas pray that the antibiotics will kill all the infection quickly.

Also on Monday morning, little C had a very rough couple of hours. As I got her ready for school, she was just crying and crying and couldn't tell me why. She said she felt fine and that she wanted to go to school, but she just wouldn't stop crying. I took her to school as usual and though she cried the whole way there and then almost fell asleep, she still got out of the car and went inside. I told the teachers how she'd been crying all morning, so I wasn't surprised when 30 minutes later they called me to tell me she was still upset and was actually starting to feel feverish. By the time I got there, she was asleep on one of the teacher's laps and was obviously running a fever. She came home and took some Tylenol and then went right to her room and took a nap. She is still complaining of her ear hurting, so I think the antibiotic she is on must not be strong enough for her :-( I won't be surprised if we're back at the doctor tomorrow.

On a good note, the "Daddy Dolls" that my mother in law ordered for the kids arrived today! They are so beautiful and both kids seem to love them. We stuck in the voice recorders that B had previously recorded and they each say a personalized message to the kids. Check out these cute pictures I got of them with their dolls:

Lastly, little D is getting sick as well. He isn't running a fever yet, but he clearly has a cold. his stuffy nose is making it hard for him to sleep...which makes it hard for me to sleep as well :-(

Please pray for the health of my family - both kids and my dad who will be hospitalized for quite a while recovering from all the infection in his body.

Funny Little Girl

Kids say the funniest things. My little C is no exception. Today in the car she made me laugh by verbalizing what goes on in her little mind. We were driving through our neighborhood and she told me that when she grows up, she wants to be a teacher like "Ms. Jelly," who is her teacher. This was great news since normally she tells me she wants to be a chef or an "army girl" (both of which are also good, but the teacher goal was a new one!) I was pleased and told her she should tell that to Ms. Jelly! Then about a mile down the road, the country song, "Boot, Scoot, and Boogie" came on the radio. Her little legs got to kicking and head was a bobbing and then she said (with excitement),

"when I grow up, I want to be a cowgirl!!"

"Oh really, thats great." I replied

"....and live in a Zoo!!!!!" she said continued.

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A heavy yet full heart

Tonight my heart hurts. It hurts because my husband was given some disappointing news about a very good job opportunity. I can't go in to any detail on here, but can just say that after months of anticipating, praying, and hoping for this to "come through," he got word today that it didn't. After a phone call to inquire why, he learned that this "denial" may not be set in stone. He was told not to be too anxious about it yet and to call back in the next couple days to find out if anything had been resolved or changed. So, again we wait and we pray.

I've been praying about this since back in the spring. After today, I feel as though I don't know what else to pray for. I don't know how to ask or how to approach God in another way. Does He bore of hearing the same prayer? I know the answer is "No," but at the same time, I tire of asking. So, tonight I wanted to listen more closely instead of doing so much asking.

God did speak to me - not only about that but about another struggle of mine. Lately, I have felt very inadequate as a woman...not as a mom or as a wife but as a female. I don't feel like I look as pretty as the other women around me. I don't love my hair, but it is kind of stuck this way do to budget concerns. I wish I had "cooler" clothes. I don't feel like I ever look as polished as the other women at church, at Target, or at ballet. Then I tell myself that it doesn't matter and so then I go to Target dressed in a T-Shirt and jeans with a fresh face with minimal make up. I feel good as I head out the door and then as soon as I walk in the store and get a glimpse of everyone else, I feel sad that I don't compare.

So anyway, in one paragraph, that is a very brief glimpse of a struggle of mine. Though it is often on my heart, I don't ever seem to bring it to the Lord...yet He still knows it. And tonight He spoke to me clear as day.

The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.

Psalm 45:11

At first I brushed it off since I wasn't asking about this issue - I was praying about my husband. But then I read it again. And heard it. It was to me...from Him. I read on in slight disbelief that the Lord would address a concern of mine when it is my husband who I am so concerned about. He then spoke again.

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.

Psalm 46:5

If you are my "facebook friend" you know that sweet D has been getting up before the crack of dawn all week and since B left I've been struggling with getting up so incredibly early to a crying baby and a whinny dog. But then again, God knows. And He cares...and He is with me :-)

Such a peaceful feeling. Praise Him.

I kept on and on about my husband's job issue and though I was thrilled to hear God speak to me about me, I wanted a word about B. Then a few verses later...

Be still, and know that I am God

Psalm 46:10

Yes, Lord. I will.

The Next Chapter

If my life were written in a book, the most recent chapter would have left you hanging on to every word as the husband readied himself to leave, packing and repacking, and the wife just tried to hang on to every last moment by photographing everything possible so that later she would have a visual of the memories. It would have ended with a tearful good-bye in a parking lot next to the family van while the rest of the soldiers loaded 9 months worth of luggage onto the loading docks. You would have cried. I did cry.

But then the next page (and the next chapter) would begin today.

I am beginning to remember how it feels to be alone again. I get overwhelmed at the thought of doing everything for the kids and the dog everyday without my husband here to help, but somehow in the moment, God gives me the strength to keep going. I think God gives mothers a sense of responsibility. It's like "taking care of the children" just isn't optional. When the baby cries, I go. When my daughter is hungry, I feed her. When they need a bath, I bathe them. When we need groceries, I take both kids and go get them. When the baby needs a bottle, I make one. The list could go on forever. I fold the laundry, I take out the trash, I sweep the floor, I change the diapers, I wash the diapers, I fix C's hair, I walk the dog, I load and unload the dishwasher, I do the laundry, I get C to preschool, I get myself to MOPS...

I don't do these things because I choose to, but rather because in a world where no body else is around to help, I have to. They have to be done, and I am the only one to do them. So, I get up at 5:40am to make a bottle. I lay with C at night to make sure she falls asleep. I rock D when he screams during his nap. And I walk the dog 7 times a day.

I have cried several times since B left. I cried when I felt overwhelmed today as D cried and cried because his teeth hurt. I cried when C bonked her head and I tried to soothe her as she cried for her daddy. I cried when I listened to a song in my car that reminded me of B.

But, I will be okay. I got through today. I can get through tomorrow. On a different note, I did get to talk to B on the computer and he told me he got there successfully and is getting settled in. Praise God for safe travels and the peace B has about where he is staying. I am also thrilled to know he has internet access and tomorrow he is going to get an international phone so he can call me directly!

Tomorrow is my MOPS group which is probably my favorite day ever. I love MOPS. I leave feeling recharged and not alone in this world. I love the fellowship of other military moms. I love the guidance of the senior mentors and I love the message from the speakers..oh and I LOVE the home-cooked breakfasts! So, tomorrow will be a very hectic morning getting us all out the door by 8:40am but we'll make it to preschool and to MOPS and all will be well! Yay!

This chapter is full of new and exciting things! Read on!

Gratitude on a sad day

Today is the day that B deploys for about 9 months. I am sad. He is sad. There is no way around that. But instead of writing an entry about why I am sad and how many times I've teared up, I thought I would write on the ways God has blessed me once again. I think it will help my outlook on today.

24. The most wonderful weekend with B's family here visiting us.

25. An involved husband who loves to tuck in his children at night.

26. Fall Festivals at school and church.

27. That Baby Dedication fell on the day before B deploys so that we could do it as a family.

28. That we have placed our children in the hands of the Lord at all.

29. That thanks to a Beth Moore bible study, I am way less fearful than I have been in the past. Less fearful of everything.

30. That I have a husband who I love to kiss :-) and that he loves to kiss me too!

31. That we got a great family photo before B leaves. Now I can look at it whenever I want and think about that great day...and believe me, I will!

32. Date nights with B even if we just go to Walmart and a cheap Mexican place.

33. That B is truly sad about leaving us. I know not all men have the caring and sensitive heart that my husband has.

34. Prayers that are answered in a matter of hours.

Praise God!