Reminder to Mom

Being a mom is hard. Being a stay at home mom is hard. I can't say its "harder" than being a working mom since I've never worked more than part-time since being a mom. Some days I wish I had that awesome part time job as a Family Advocate again. Of course, I dreaded leaving my sweet baby girl each afternoon, but each day I showed up at the hospital, I felt needed and important. I helped people in ways that I can't now. Each day that I worked, I was able to get away from my home life for 9 hours, and focus on me as a working woman - which revolved around helping families in times of crisis.

The whole time I worked, B and I were trying to find a way for me to stay home. We both wanted me home with our new baby, but unless we moved and did some job switching, it wasn't going to happen. After selling our house and moving back to Atlanta though, I was finally able to "live my dream" and be a stay-at-home mom....just like my own mom.

Fast forward 3 and a half years and here I am today - ready to pull my hair out. I need to go to work. I need respite from these crazy kids! Haha, I say that with a joking smile in my mind, but there is some very serious truthfulness in those words. How many times in one day did I ever think I would instruct, correct, and discipline? Even my 22 month old puts himself in time out when he's done something bad. Clearly he spends too much time there!

Most days it seems like I spend more hours in the day correcting and explaining (okay, and begging and nagging), that I don't get to do all the things I'd like to do with my kids. I would LOVE to sit on the couch and read to my little blessings. But the youngest blessing won't sit still. At all. Friday we tried to "snuggle up" and read a story. Well, he ended up off the couch, on the couch, off the couch, on the couch (needing me to help him back up each time...and screaming at me if I refused to help), standing on the couch and lastly - sitting ON THE BOOK that we were trying to read. "Sweet D, I can't read through your body :-)."

Where I am going with all of this is that it is so often hard to see the true blessings that my children really are. There are moments that I seem to almost resent my kids. When we "try" and go out to a restaurant and we deal with the squirming, screaming, throwing of silverware and crayons, screaming, crumpling of menus, and screaming and I look to the table across the aisle at the childless couple enjoying their dinner and actually getting to chat and eat in more than 7 minutes, I tend to have a little resentment. Sure, we usually do everything as "family friendly" as possible - like eating before 5pm, only going to "loud" places, ordering food IMMEDIATELY, and bringing a diaper bag full of goodies, but it never works. Every meal is a serious battle. (We need a babysitter. If you know anyone in the Northern VA area, please let me know!)

I try to remind myself that maybe that couple is struggling with infertility and would give anything to be in my shoes. Or maybe their kids are at home with Grandma. Either way, I wish in that moment, that I were them. Eating slowly and peacefully.

I am beginning to feel as though I am rambling. Sorry about that. I do have a point.

My kids seem to eat at me all day long. They do the same things and I correct in the same ways. They never stop running, never stop chasing the dog, never stop dumping all the bins of toys, and never stop asking for juice and snacks (though since D doesn't talk, he just screams and points most of the time). This evening, I lost my temper with C. She wouldn't quit talking and I was trying to watch something on the news. My requests for her to "hush for just a second, I want to hear this," only encouraged her to talk OVER me, and I yelled (screamed rather...to be overheard from her own yelling) at her. She cried and ran to her room and I felt bad. I apologized and asked for forgiveness, but I still feel bad.

It is never my intention to scare my children into obeying me. It is never God's design to put fear into us so that we will obey Him. We obey out of love. C will obey out of love as well, not because I scream back.

This instance reminded me that she is still little. She is still precious and innocent. She doesn't annoy me on purpose. She just wants my attention. In this example, she wanted to serve me some pretend food on a plate.

This week I will focus on "letting them be little" and allowing my floor to look like this:

...without feeling my chest tighten and my breaths quicken.

Because at the end of the mess and loudness are two beautiful blessings from the Lord. They are His...only loaned to me for a little while.

Lord, thank you for trusting them to me even though I am so far from perfect and worthy of being their mother.