A Rough Day

Today has been a rough day.

The weather here has been less than ideal. We get one day of beautiful sunshine for every 4 days of cloudy, cold, drizzly rain. I am ready to see the sun more often than not. I am ready to FEEL the sun on my face when I step outside. Today was one of the cool, cloudy, drizzly days.

However, the weather wasn't the only contributing factor to my rough day.

I feel so unattractive at this point. I know that being 37 1/2 weeks pregnant and 32 pounds over my normal weight is very much part of the reason, but there is more to it.

When I look in the mirror, I can't help but to focus in on the dark roots in my hair. My awesome highlights have just grown out so quickly - most likely from the prenatal vitamins making my hair grow at an abnormally fast pace. I want so badly to go get them touched up so I can feel confident and good when I look in the mirror. I just don't see it happening anytime soon. Maybe I can avoid mirrors until then.

Then there is my leg. My poor right calf that looks just pitiful. It looks like someone took a baseball bat to it. But alas, its just a pregnancy symptom. A big varicose vein and a ton of spider veins. Each time I see my bare calf, I cringe. It isn't until I look at my left calf do I remember how clear and "perfect" the skin used to look. I sure hope it goes down after I give birth. I can't imagine a whole summer in shorts, capris, and skirts with my leg looking like this...

Oh, and last night I saw that my ankles and calves were retaining fluid. Awesome. Nothing makes a preggo woman feel better than swollen ankles.

To top off my "blah"ness, B got word that he'll be back on the road traveling again very soon after the birth of the baby. Not just for a day or two, but possibly for a couple weeks. I am trying NOT to stress about this yet, but at the same time, I did have a meltdown at the thought of being home alone with my 2 older kids and the tiny 2-3 weeks old for a couple weeks. My mom is supposed to come help me at the end of May for a week or so and then she and I will drive back home to Atlanta with the kids to visit all our family down there. But, there will possibly be a good solid week before she can arrive where I'll be on my own.

Nothing is 100% set in stone, so its not incredibly worth worrying over, but I can't help but to wish I was closer to family. Or that my family was closer to me.

My biggest prayer right now is that the baby stays put in my belly until my due date or VERY close to it. B's mom and sister will be in town at that time to help for a week and it would be wonderful to have them available to watch the kids while I'm in the hospital delivering the baby and recovering from his birth. We have wonderful friends that have offered to help out as much as possible, so I know they won't go uncared for, but still, I hope it works out so their Nana and Aunt can watch them instead.

Between feeling like a big ugly pregnant woman and hearing the news that I will be left alone to care for the kids for days on end, I decided at 3:15pm that I should take a shower and try and get myself cleaned up. D had just refused his nap, so I didn't get to really rest on the couch like I normally do. He and I were both cranky. I thought a quick hot shower might make me feel better.

While the water felt good, again, I was grossed out at the sight of my leg when I tried to shave my legs - which is quite a challenging task with a huge belly in the way! Then I was reminded at how gross my toe nails look. I need a pedicure more than the crops need rain. They have old purple nail polish on them that is chipped in a hundred different places. I am out of nail polish remover, but even if I wasn't out, I don't think I could reach my toes long enough to remove the polish and much less, to paint them a fresh new color. I need a pedicure. Bad.

Then when I tried to blow dry my "rooty" hair into its normal style, I learned that my blow dryer has just about kicked the bucket. Its been on the fritz for a while now, but today I had to blow dry my whole head on the lowest setting. It took forever...and it didn't really do much for my hair style.

Today was just one of those days when I felt the need to escape. I need to escape from my house. I feel horrible about how I look. I feel sad that B will be traveling so soon after the baby is born. I feel bummed that I'm not near my family for support.

I am trying very hard to remember that many other military wives go through things like this. Many go through much worse. B isn't deployed and I am SO thankful for that. He is going to be here for the baby's birth. Many moms I know can't say that for their baby's births. Many daddy's leave right after baby is born. B isn't really "leaving." He's just traveling. There is a very distinct difference. I am trying to count my blessings because I know they are plentiful.

But the human side of me wants to scream. I want my mom. Or my mother-in-law. I want them down the street to come and help me when I call crying at 3am because I'm exhausted. I want one of my sisters or sisters-in-law to be able to come and pick up my kids and take them to their house for slumber parties while I am in the hospital so I wouldn't have to worry about them the whole time. I want B to be able to stay at the hospital with me while I'm there rather than have to come home and stay with the kids. I don't want to have to be alone overnight with the baby in the hospital. I want him there with me.

I am trying to get over all that because there is nothing I can do to change it. It doesn't make me want to cry any less though. It didn't make today any less rough. I cried a couple times. I tried to talk myself out of crying. But in the end, my hormonal and emotional self won over.

At least the sun came out by the end of the day. And my husband did eventually come home from work. And the kids eventually went to bed. And now the house is quiet.

I am going to go hop in the tub and take a hot bath. I will try not to look at my ugly toenails, swollen ankles, or purple puffy calf...

If I did, that may start the whole "rough day" cycle over again.