Sunday, January 16, 2011

One more "I Love You"

The title of my post may speak for itself today. I love my husband dearly. I am his biggest fan. If I didn't know and trust that the Lord hung the moon, I would think my husband did. After 7 1/2 years of marriage, I am still completely crazy about him. Get the idea?

With that being said, I will admit that things do become somewhat mundane over the years. Not our actual love, but the ways we express it. Every "I love you" on the phone isn't quite as AMAZING as it was in those first few months of hearing it back in 2001. Each kiss goodbye at the door or in the kitchen isn't quite as breathtaking as it was at 11pm...okay maybe 1am... back when we were dating.

Fast forward a few years...

When we became parents in 2006, we knew it was time for some life insurance in case, heaven forbid, something ever happened to one of us. We did our medical exams, got some good coverage and moved forward. We have half heartedly discussed what we would do if either one of us was ever to have to raise our children alone. But thats about as far as its ever gotten.

Things became a little less "out of the ordinary" when B enlisted in the Army and then deployed for the first time. He wasn't going to a combat zone, but he was going to a very different part of the world where things were not nearly as safe as they are here in the US. Plus he is one good-looking white guy. He stood out like a sore thumb.

Saying good-bye to him that day was really tough. I trusted that he'd come home to me, but really in my heart, I could only pray for him. I didn't know without a shadow of a doubt that he would return. This was also true for the second deployment to the same part of the world. It always worried me when he'd go to countries and not be allowed to be identified as a member of the US military. I didn't like that he had to conceal who he was with. It always made me nervous.

I say all that to tell you that lately, everything seems to have changed between us. I can't tell him enough that I love him. I can't help but hold on to his kiss for one second longer and squeeze him just a bit tighter. I can't help but glance at him through the front window as he walks out to his car and pray that he will come home to me that evening. "Please, Lord, don't let this be the last time." I relish in the chance to tell him, just one more time, "I love you."

Without ever discussing this issue with me, he has done the same thing. He is 100% certain to kiss me and each one of our children before heading out the door to work everyday. He will always tell me he loves me just one more time as he pulls the front door closed behind him. He is hugging me more. Showing his affection more often and verbalizing his love considerably more.

We can both feel it. We are both aware of it.

What? Have you figured it out yet?

The preciousness of life. The fact that our days are numbered and each day could be our last. This became shockingly real to me on New Years Day when I got word of a fellow MOPS mom, army wife, and sister in Christ from NC who lost her husband in an instant. He wasn't deployed. He wasn't even working. But the Lord called him home that morning. He left behind a beautiful wife and 2 very young children.

I am 100% sure that when he headed out the door that morning, my fellow sister did not realize she was telling him "good bye" for the last time. She probably expected him home in an hour or so. Her life and everything she had planned changed in an unplanned instant.

From their tragedy, my husband and I have gotten closer. Life seems more precious. I find myself praying more often for him. I find myself kissing him and whispering to him when I come to bed an hour after he's been asleep. I find myself telling my daughter how much I love her and how she is such a good girl. Preschoolers can get in trouble quite a bit, so to counter act this, I feel the desire to express my love and pure joy when I look at her. I love tucking her in at night. I love her early morning snuggles. I love how she melts into my ever growing torso when I hold her.

I pray that I live until I'm 100. I pray that my husband does the same. But if the Lord should call either one of us home before we expect it, I pray that he knows how much I love him.

For now, I'll say it just one more time.

I love you, B. With all my heart. With everything I have in me. In every way possible.

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