Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Mommy Meltdown(s)

This deployment is making me age faster than I should be aging. I can practically feel the gray hairs growing on my head and fine lines developing along my face. The stress has made me physically ill again. I have felt nauseous all day. I haven't felt like this since about a month before B left last Fall. On the upside, at least I know it's stress....haha, I know I'm not pregnant.

In all seriousness, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of exhaustion, loneliness, and anticipation. I feel defeated by my children most days.

I never knew a parent-child relationship could feel like such a competition, but on many days, it does - and I feel like I lose. It's almost as if C doesn't speak English some days...like she doesn't even hear what I say to do...or not to do. Little D is too young to understand anything about what is going on. He is still living an "all about me" life. I must meet every one of his needs. I have to drag the kids everywhere I go. Today we all had to go to David's Bridal to get my dress altered then later we hit up Walmart and Target. Tomorrow, we have to go grocery shopping. It's exhausting to do all this without my husband here. It's even more exhausting to think that I have another 4 months of this before I get some relief. I feel like I am drowning....or at least treading water making no progress of swimming towards the shore.

B and I are still waiting to hear back from the commanders here to find out if he is going to be allowed to return home early and pursue his DC position. Still waiting...and waiting...and waiting. I feel like I have exhausted every word of prayer I have. I am now pleading for an answer. Literally crying to Him. I know God knows my heart. I have faith that His plan is perfect. But I can't help how I feel. And right now, I feel like crying to Him. And pleading...or maybe begging.

I don't know what else to write. My head is just all tears. My dog won't go to the bathroom. I've walked her 4 times in the last 2 hours. She's about to go in the crate for the whole night. She HAS to go. Why won't she go?

B is out at the mall and then going to see a movie tonight with one of the guys on his team. I just wish he were home. Or that I was with him. Or that I could go to the mall by myself.

I don't even want to go to bed because I know when I wake up, the kids will wake up and this "Groundhog day" will start over again.

It's just a Mommy Meltdown kind of day. I think I may go take a bath. At there, my tears will have a whole sea of friends...at least they won't be lonely :-)


  1. Hang in there, my friend. I'm lifting you and your family up in prayer:)

  2. I'm really sorry that you're feeling so lonely and overwhelmed. Pray only that you make it through each day and let God take care of the BIG picture. Your children need you right now. They depend on you. And as you know, almost all your neighbors are doing the exact same thing...alone. You can do this. I love you.