Saturday, December 26, 2009

A Christmas Apart

I sure hope you all had a very Merry Christmas doing whatever it is you do at Christmastime. We sure did have fun here in Atlanta visiting with our family. My sisters both came in town, so there was a full house at my mom's and my sister-in-law and brother-in-law came in town at B's parent's house. It was so enjoyable to see my kids interact with their aunts, uncles, and cousins and be spoiled by the grandparents. We were incredibly blessed with a ton of wonderful gifts for the kids and for ourselves. I got a girly toolkit, a diaper sprayer (yahoo!), a swiffer vacuum, and a few awesome gift cards just to name a few. The kids were overwhelmed with toys, books, and new clothes. We are so blessed to have such generous families :-)

As fun as it was to visit with everyone and eat yummy goodies at parties, there certainly was a missing component - my sweet husband. B has been absent from Christmas for the past 3 years. The first year, he was actually able to fly home for a few days right at Christmas, but he missed Thanksgiving and the rest of the "Holiday season." So, we have grown accustomed to being without him. I can load the car, wrap the presents, put up the tree, play Santa, and bake cookies all by myself. It doesn't make it any easier though. Last year, I can recall crying on the way to the Christmas Eve church service. He should have been with me. This year I did alright until Christmas Eve again. I couldn't help but to think about B alone in another country with no Christmas tree, no family, and no church service to attend as I stood and worshiped at church. I thought of him as I teared up while watching a police officer get baptized. He should have been there to see it. I thought of how he hasn't been able to go to church in two months and how hard that must be for him. And I thought of him as our little C watched in awe as a grown ballerina danced on stage. I wished he was there to see her face and witness her little arms rise and fall in sync with the dancer. It was beautiful. B was so very missed.

Then I would think of how sad it was for me to be without him. I just wished he was here to see our kids open the presents I chose for them - to hear the pure delight and joyous squeals. I wanted him to share those moments with me. Then as I would think about how I felt, I thought about how he must have felt. He didn't have anyone there with him. Fortunately, his mom's package arrived on Christmas Eve, so he did have a large package full of goodies to open. But he was still alone. I just felt so sad for him. I truly can't wait until next year! God willing, he'll be here with us. We're going to do everything Christmasy...tree lightings, Santa visiting (he's never seen the kids sit on Santa's lap), christmas shopping, party hopping, etc. You get the idea. We're going to do it all. I just want him here to do it with us.

So, for now, I settle to talking to him online and brief stints on the phone. I love to see his face on skype and read his emails and text messages. Christmas was wonderful this year. The kids and I had so much fun - and still are having fun. We're going to be in Atlanta for another week visiting friends and hanging with family. It's going to be awesome! But there will always be a husband sized hole in the car, in the bed, next to me on the couch, around the table...but never in my heart. He's never absent from my heart.

I love you, B. Merry Christmas, my love. Next year will be different :-)

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